Dear 🎅,
Oye, bro, where the --- are you right now?
I know trying to put down another Cuban sandwich, while squeezing your burly self through the Palmetto Expressway is practically impossible this time of year. Pero, please tell your bipolar Uber driver to stop giving you dirty looks and step on that gas pedal already because our favorite NFL quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, can barely walk straight anymore.
And there's a real good chance he will not make it out of 2021 alive because the Dolphins offensive line smells like dead 🎏. So, we're hoping you packed a young, strong and versatile left tackle with the potential to make 12 straight All-Pro squads and someday have his head bronzed in Canton, Ohio.
But before you even think about slipping out the back door with an extra plate of lechon asadó y frijoles negros, here are a few more gifts sports fans in Miami would really appreciate this holiday season.
1.) GPS: We've definitely been more nice than naughty, and deserve better than what the Marlins, always willing to trade $12 for another hot 🍺, keep selling us on, including a journeyman outfielder who just bagged $53 million. Perhaps, a brand new GPS will finally put the Marlins in some kind of believable direction. In the meantime, have fun in the front row -- while you avoid Marlins Man.
2.) Mute button: I know TV play-by-play announcers are paid to be, in part, over-the-top cheerleaders for their respective teams. But outside of Steve Goldstein, maybe, not one of our local puppets in South Florida brings a unique flair to their jobs. Unless, you count saying 'I agree.' and 'Kaboom!!' over and over again. Please send a fresh voice.
3.) Reality ✓: 'We're back?!??' I think we've heard that phrase before from Canes fans. Only problem is that most honeymoons are lathered in plenty of hope and love. And this one already has the smell of burnt fried eggs. But we'll wait.
4.) Splash of good luck: It's bad enough that arguably our best pro franchise plays near a swamp and are off the popular radar. But a combination of injuries, organizational mishaps and unfortunate circumstances have really buried our Florida Panthers.
#gifts #miami #sports #fans #santa #305 #marlins #panthers #tua #dolphins #
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